How to Judge a Fantasy Novel Without Reading a Sentence (Part 2): The Page-To-Map Method

Missed the first installment? See Part 1.

What’s the best way to judge fantasy book in the most scientific way without reading a sentence? It’s a method called Page-To-Map (PTM). This method takes into account how long it takes for a map to appear in the book, whether 2 pages in, 10 pages in, or none at all. The sooner the map appears, the shittier the book.

We’ll go through the list of fantasy novels from when they were first released. We’ll be able to document whether the PTM has gotten better or worse as time went on. If the novels are part of a series, they will be judged based on the first installment. Now, before we begin…

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Gaming Hell: Shit Ports – The Sins of LA Noire

I pre-ordered LA Noire for PC, and I was able to get it same-day shipping from Amazon. I was totes psyched for this game after abstaining from buying it on the PS3. I wanted to own it on the superior platform. I popped it in, and after a lengthy install of two discs, my body was ready.

When you first start-up the game, it immediately prompts you to install the latest patch. Here’s where the first hiccup came in. I would install it, and it would correctly update, but after restarting, it would act like the patch was never installed. It again downloaded and installed the patch. A vicious cycle.

After futzing around with everything in the install folder, I actually stopped running the launcher and just ran the regular executable after the patched installed. Finally, it started up as it would normally.

Why didn’t I try this before? Because both the launcher and .exe file go to the exact same place, but the patch only updates the .exe. The launcher is always going to be the same file, even after the patch is downloaded and installed. Hell if I know why.

After finally getting to the main screen, I came to the biggest problem I was going to be facing (at least up until this point).

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How To Judge A Fantasy Novel Without Reading a Sentence (Part 1): The Stages of a First-Impression

Tell me if this is at all familiar.

I open the book cautiously. I get past the title page without a problem. So far, so good. The next page is the one I turn with true trepidation. My fears are founded, as I come face to face with a two-page map.

Yeah, this is a map all right. Places I’ve never heard of before or care about at all. Okay, so I’ll suck it up this one time. My friend told me this series was good. I’ll try and ignore the author’s total display of arrogance and his egotistical opinion that his fantasy novel needs a fucking map in the beginning.

Did he include it so I wouldn’t get lost while reading? Is it there because it may come in handy for the reader to see visually where the characters live and where they are traveling? You must be joking.

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Dishonored: Bethesda’s Next Greatest Game?

NO. No, no, no no!

Why? Because this is not a Bethesda game. This game is being developed by Arkane Studios, who made Arx Fatalis and Dark Messiah of Might and Magic. It’s PUBLISHED by Bethesda. Why is this so hard for some people to grasp?

I have no clue. To help illustrate how stupidly ignorant this is, I’ll use examples from other media with publisher/developer and financier/creator relationships even a half-wit pork chop could understand.

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